We were all happy to hear tonight’s election results. Willow’s making an “O” in case you can’t tell from the photo. Election night supper: grilled chicken with lemon and olive oil, summer squash and onions cooked in butter in the cast iron pan, asparagus-wrapped prosciutto, mashed potatoes, and WIN.
Last night my dad was in my dream. Usually when he shows up, I know I’m dreaming and I appreciate the time with him, if that makes sense. But last night it felt not like a dream at all. He was out of the hospital and I was making sure he had his Sutent by calling the pharmacy to talk to someone. I was on hold and he was sitting at my grandmother’s dining room table and I was scratching his back for him. I was worried about how sick he was, but so glad that he was finally out of the hospital and able to walk. I talked to him for just a little bit, enough for him to say that he was feeling alright, but we both knew he didn’t have much time left. And then I woke up and he died all over again. I am starting to make a weird sort of peace with his absence. I’m somehow even more sad now than I was when it happened, but I think I am less angry. Maybe it’s just worn me out, all those thoughts about how unfair it was for him. Anyway. This is hard, hard work that I wish I did not have to do. His Google account is still there and I should probably stop sending him IMs, but I won’t. So many times when I open up my Gmail page the chat box is sitting there open, with his picture smiling at me. The cursor isn’t on his name or anything, and who’s it gonna hurt if I want to think that he’s asking to hear how things are?
The girls’ last weekend of soccer is coming up. We’ve got one game on Friday afternoon, four on Saturday, and a minimum of two (or three?) on Sunday. Then the weekends will be for making soup and clearing out clutter and figuring out the holidays. I think that good things are coming. I hope they are. It’s sometimes hard to visualize them when I feel like I spend 90% or more of my time just trying to keep up with all the things I’m in charge of. Everything from stocking the fridge to changing the smoke alarm batteries to trying to raise my kids to be good humans and remembering all the things that I need to remember just to keep our little train on track. I’m so elated that the kids are passionate about fairness, about things like marriage equality and inclusiveness. Sometimes even when things are good, like tonight, some of it devolves into harsh words and then a lot of tears and abruptly shut doors. Try as I might, I can’t seem to reel that in. With all that I can do, I guess it would seem like I’ve got the ability to better-manage how things unfold here. But from where I sit the best I can do is follow behind with the broom and dustpan and cross my fingers that this stormy phase gets better before it does too much permanent damage.
That is so much more than enough drama for today. All this tense election-watching has left me feeling a little grim, it seems, despite the mostly good results. How CA voters can choose to keep allowing the state to put people to death is beyond me, but I’m the first to admit that most of life baffles me. So I will keep hoping and trying to find the middle ground here where there’s less of people closing doors and saying no, and more stepping forward to help share the work of the physical and emotional ways of being a family.