I don’t have a whole lot of uninterrupted time to think or daydream. I’ve got my commute time, that’s true, but I’m talking about a space where I can just lie there with closed eyes and be entertained by my brain. At night, when I am actually lying there with my eyes closed, there is usually a child or two next to me squirming or kicking. Also, these days I tend to fall asleep really fast.
One of the main reasons I go and practice yoga at a studio as opposed to doing it here, is for the five minutes of time at the end where I get to lie on my back and close my eyes. It feels even better after spending 90 minutes fighting the desire to stop and rest but pushing through anyway. I’ve never really come close to having a clear mind while meditating. Teachers will tell you that if you have a thought, you should label it "thought" and let it drift on by. I don’t know. Maybe when I get back to a place in my life where I do have time to just think at the end of the day I’ll be more interested in not thinking at all, but right now I love making use of those five minutes.
Last night, I was remembering being in Barcelona. Really remembering. Walking down La Rambla when it started to rain, and smelling the raindrops all over again, feeling the weight of the air. The dark grey raindrops on the lighter grey cement for a moment before everything was wet and darker. Watching hundreds of umbrellas open all around me on the crowded walkway almost in unison, hearing the swooping noise they made mixed in with the soft patter of raindrops and conversations . Men in suits holding newspapers over their heads, walking faster. How much brighter the flowers the street vendors were selling looked in all the misty grey. And I also remembered riding on the metro, which is terrifying to me because I’m so claustrophobic. It wasn’t so bad just being in the stations, but riding in the cars made me feel a little ill. I looked at the windows sort of sideways so that I could see the reflections of the other passengers instead of the brick walls. I could feel the shudder and shake of the car underneath me, how when it started up again after a stop, my feet would move first and I’d have to hold onto the pole in the middle of the car to steady myself. Even though I was in a 100 degree room, I felt the fast breeze coming from above ground as I remembered walking up all those steps into daylight again.
Just a clueless question from the cranky childless auntie: can’t the kids sleep by themselves? I sleep so poorly that I can’t imagine trying to get any rest with a child in bed with me.
Sensory memories can come back with such strength. I can imagine the umbrellas (a visual and auditory) and the Metro ride clearly. So well said!
Suebob — they CAN sleep alone, but especially since I’ve gone back to work the girls really like to cuddle up with me at night. I don’t think you are cranky; I think you are wise. 🙂 And, I know it won’t last too much longer, so I allow it. Lots of times, I slip out of my bed when they are asleep and go sleep in their bottom bunk all alone!
Daisy — thanks!
I love shavasana too. This was a lovely post. Happy new year, sweetie!