It’s an evil plot against me, I’m sure


I got all these things in the mail today:  Two of the same religious kooky junk mail letters that I’m askerid to open (it looks like a prayer to Jesus for financial blessings, so you just KNOW they’re going to be asking you to send them money TO ANSWER THEIR PRAYERS), a Prilosec sample, and a Sundance jewelry catalog.  I took Prilosec ONCE.  Then I had to take a ton of Benadryll because I got hives and my throat started swelling and itching and closing.  It’s like the mailman is conspiring with P&G to murder me.  I generally recycle catalogs before even opening them, but when I get a Sundance catalog I sit in a little sunbeam in a room with no distractions and I carefully fold down the edges of all the pages that have pictures of pretty things I want to own.  This is so pointless, because Robert Redford clearly doesn’t relate to normal people who can’t grock spending $498 on a pair of studded wedge sandals that are described, I shit you not, as down-to-earth, but I cannot seem to help myself.  I figure if I just kinda let the universe know that I’d like to own those things, then maybe one or two of them will magically fall in my lap or show up at Ross Dress for Less or something.   
Is it just me, or does your inner voice (or whatever you call it when you are thinking to yourself) go through changes and have different kinds of personas and stuff?  Mine, inexplicably, sometimes is male.  Not just generically male, but (this is embarrassing, no?) an actual, real-life TV character.  For awhile it was Don Draper, not that I wanted to be some kind of man-whore (OMG, did you see Mad Men last week?  Don has come SUCH a long way and I’m so proud of him.  Really.) but, and you can ask Scuba about this, I was drinking Old Fashioneds and internally I was very charming and witty yet gruff when I thought about things in my Don Draper (or, sometimes, Dick Whitman) inner voice.  My inner voice was also drinking a ton and smoking so that I didn’t have to.  I half expected to wake up with a 5 o’clock shadow some days.  A few weeks back, Scuba and I started watching a new show called The Killing.  So naturally, now I’m thinking in Agent Stephen Holder voice, (which means a lot of daaaaamn and snap! and thinking of my mom as moms) and let me tell you that shit is FUNNY when you’re flipping through the Sundance jewelry catalog, but I’ll spare you the transcription.
Okay.  So I’ve gone over the whole thing about how having your colon removed = MAJOR THIRST all the time, because the colon’s job is to absorb water and salt.  My problem is that plain water upsets my stomach.  My theory is that the water hits my belly and my brain is all RIGHT ON!  FOOD!  and it tells my stomach to make acid to digest the food, but there’s nothing to digest so I just get queasy and ill.  I need a little something in my water – any sort of flavoring seems to stop that reaction.  I fully understand that my theory is dumb, but it’s all I’ve got.  When I first got home, and even when I was still in the hospital, Scuba was buying me cases of this awesome stuff called Hint with watermelon essence in it.  Fancy, right?  But now I’ve switched to Smart Water, because it’s got electrolytes and I am so tired that I need an extra helping of those and for some reason it is mostly okay on my tummy.  I ran out of water today, and I also wanted to get some sweet 1015 onions from Texas so I could make this, so I went to Whole Foods.  While I was there, I started smelling the food and I stopped dead in an aisle, certain that I’d faint if I didn’t eat, now.  So I went to the deli and they had mac and cheese and I got a small container, that cost $4.98.  This is just stupid, but I bought it anyway, because I had to.  Then I saw that they have this fancy water that I’ve had once before and love but never buy because it costs even more than Smart Water.  So I grabbed a bottle of that and I went with my expensive gluten free pasta to the checkout.  (They didn’t have the onions.)  And the whole time I was in line I was debating, in Agent Holder voice, whether or not I should tell the woman at the checkout that I was buying crazyexpensive mac and cheese and shishi overpriced water because I just had my colon surgically removed four weeks ago today and I’m thirsty, but only for special kind of water, and I normally wouldn’t pay five bucks for a few bites of mac and cheese, but I’m just so hungry all the time, because I didn’t want her to think that I was the kind of asshole who would pay $2.39 for a bottle of fucking WATER.  But, you know what, I AM that kind of asshole (snap!) so I just paid my thirty bucks for five things and got the hell out.      

3 thoughts on “It’s an evil plot against me, I’m sure

  1. marian

    Hey there! You are sounding fabulous, even with the voices… seems like you are back. You may be sans colon but you have some good stuff going on here. I was going to say “funny shit” instead of good stuff (one of my own voices).

  2. Mom

    Huh. My secret voice is Dixie Carter from designing women. A scary smart fast talking southern belle who can skin you alive and you don’t even know it til you drop right down dead. In my dreams. Love you.


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