I never wrote about skiing, how very much my kids loved playing in the snow and seeing their aunt and uncle. And I ought to write about Willow’s birthday celebration yesterday, her grandparents over for dinner and Watch-Me!ing. Or today, Sophie getting up at church to say Happy Easter and light a candle and the kids running all around looking for eggs and Nathan sharing my coffee with me. In the afternoon, visiting with a family that I love and overstaying (like we always do) and bringing lemonade with too little sugar and jumping on the trampoline with a passel of kids.
I don’t know how to put this, but I am having a really difficult time. It’s getting more and more obvious, maybe. Definitely my family notices. There’s nothing wrong, but everything is, and instead of having a stupid pop song stuck in my head I’ve got this rotten negative loop of the same tired words over and over.
The only way I can think to explain it is that I feel wrapped up like a mummy, with my arms tucked in at my sides and unable to move. And I have this overwhelming need to fling my arms out but I can’t. That makes much more sense in my head than it does typed. It makes sense to me, anyway. I’m also incredibly homesick for Texas, which is pretty normal, but lately anytime I see someone old enough to kinda sorta resemble one of my grandparents, I cry. Older couples out for a walk hand-in-hand, I cry. A woman on the radio talking about her childhood in the 1930s, I cry. It’s tiring to be so sentimental. Emphasis on the mental. Just being so self-absorbed and sad is exhausting. I don’t really like it much. I like the sort of thinking that makes me want to think more, or that makes me laugh or makes it feel like there are good things or interesting possibilities coming. The kind of thinking I’ve been channeling lately just leaves me feeling both awful about myself and in need of deep, deep sleep.
I’m looking forward to more light. Evenings at the beach. The kids getting into the bath at the end of the day, dirty and happily chattering about their afternoons. Popsicles. Early mornings on the couch by the open window, reading before anyone else gets up. Iced coffee. Peaches and strawberries and dark plums. I hope I fucking snap out of this in time to enjoy all the good stuff in front of me. Now would be just fine.