I had no idea his middle name was Schlomo

I was turning left, halfway through the crosswalk right by the kids' school, when I noticed that a woman was just inches from my driver's side view mirror.  I recognized her, and recognized that I very nearly killed her.  I opened my window and yelled over the sound of my blood in my ears, tears stinging my eyes and choking me, I'm so sorry.  My widows are all foggy and I didn't see you.  I'm so, so sorry.

And she was okay, and I was okay, but of course we were both shaken up as we silently tallied the list of What Ifs.  I'm not really sure what happened:  if I just didn't look; if she was in my blind spot; if I looked but didn't see because the kids were squabbling or I was preoccupied.  The windows were steamy, and that is probably what happened, but it worries me still that I wasn't paying better attention.

That happens to me a lot.  Not usually while I'm driving, luckily, but just in general.  I feel like I'm often looking up in a panic at some near-miss of a situation, knowing that I fucked up but totally clueless about what it was, exactly, I did.  Or didn't do.  It's like I'm not sure what things to watch, and the things that I don't keep in check circle back on me.  Mainly I have this sense that I am letting people down.  Only no one will really come out and say it, because, you know, I'm going through a hard time right now, and so I'm left feeling that I've been too self-absorbed, or not grateful enough, or too much of a doormat, or maybe just a bad friend, but I'm not sure, really.  Maybe it's all just in my head.  I know that my very own special breed of low self-esteem sometimes flipflops into an assumption that if something is wrong it MUST be my fault.  Which is perhaps about as self-absorbed and egotistical as one human can be. 

What can I say?  I do try.

I'll be better off in a few weeks when I'm not on such a high dose of prednisone.  (It challenges my coping abilities, to put it mildly.)  In the meantime I will weigh my words more carefully, I will watch where I'm going, and I will let myself believe in things that astonish me instead of waiting for that feeling of emptiness where there just was something amazing I was holding on to. 

4 thoughts on “I had no idea his middle name was Schlomo

  1. patois

    I’m not a fan of telling people, “I know how you feel,” but…I feel as if this is inattentiveness happens to me often enough. I hope you succeed.

  2. jennyalice

    My sister was on prednisone off an on for years and it made her feel crazy… she had to read cookbooks to fall asleep at night..novels made her feel compelled to finish the entire book. Hope you are feeling more centered.


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