I walked in to the party, like I was walking onto my yacht

One of my favorite memories from when I was a kid is hanging out with my mom while she got dressed in the morning.  She’d stay in just her slip until it was time to go, and I’d be at her elbow near the bathroom vanity, watching as she put on her makeup.  I remember a blue and black bottle of YSL Rive Gauche always being on the countertop.  Feeling superior to the other kids, because my mom was a million times prettier.  A tan plastic box of hot rollers against the wall.  One of those light-up makeup mirrors that had the Day Evening Home Office settings.

After I grew up some, but before I had kids, I’d sit at the mirror by the open window in my apartment in the late afternoon before a shift at the restaurant, smoking and listening to music and putting on eyeliner.  Then I had kids and went years without haircuts or makeup (or smokes), wearing sweats or jeans, teeshirts.  Chuck Taylors.  Once when Sophie was just a newborn and I was dating John, my mom came over.  I was on the couch, nursing, in full schlub mode and my mom was all, Wow, it’s really great that he likes you so much that you don’t even have to make ANY EFFORT AT ALL with how you look.  [HINT HINT]  (And I took that with the love that was behind it — I’m not bitching at all.)

Now that I’m working and actually sometimes not only wearing makeup but also coloring my grey AND using hair products (sadly, that is a big freaking deal), I have mornings where my girls sit and watch me get dressed.  I tend to be clumsy where my mom was elegant, and my girls aren’t shy to point out my zits or tell me that it’s time to go get my eyebrows waxed.   I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell to do with my hair.  Look! Here’s Yvonne using the flat iron on me in New York because I would have burned my head right off if I’d tried:

I was going to steal a photo from Yvonne (like the one I ripped off from Jenny’s flickr page above) but she’s all protective and so Here is a Link instead.  Of my hair looking not terrible thanks to Yvonne.  And here’s more proof:

Where was I even going with this?  I got lost in the vain.  Oh yeah — so I had this really bad ass zit on the end of my nose about a month ago.  Was super embarrassing and huge and even though it’s gone, the end of my nose is STILL red.  Still.  Also, the adult acne is bad (my aesthetician was all Hey! Don’t worry, it will make people think you are younger! Umm, NO) and so a few weeks ago I bought tinted moisturizer (total grown up makeup that I don’t know how to use) and then, yesterday, I bought the green stuff that you put over the red on your face and UNDER the stuff you put over that.  Yeah.

Although the thought of applying green or purple makeup to your cheeks
or under the eyes may remind you of Halloween, undercover makeup in
these colors serves a real purpose. Undercover makeup is applied under
a skin-toned foundation or concealer. Green will diminish the
appearance of the red cheeks of rosacea patients. Purple lessens the
yellow hue of sun damaged skin. White covers the brown of melasma.

So, while the girls watched me get dressed and put on my make up this morning, I got out the green stuff and tried to use it to cover up this mosquito bite on my forehead.   I thought that I did okay, until I got into the van and looked in the rear view mirror in the harsh light of day.  Dude.  It looked for all the world like I’d taken a softball to the forehead.  I totally made a bruise with makeup!  The mosquito bite didn’t show, though, and so I guess that was one step forward, a few steps back. 

(this is the part where you email me makeup tips)   

8 thoughts on “I walked in to the party, like I was walking onto my yacht

  1. Jenny

    Having witnessed the “red nose” – I can tell you it was not even there until you pointed it out.

    Here’s my crappy makeup advice – if you got red going on in a few spots, go all the way with some bronzer and or blush.

  2. crockpot lady

    I didn’t see the red zit either. seriously.

    I did the green concealer too, once. okay. for all of junior college–and jr college took me much longer than it was supposed to, but whatever.

    my friend patty is an aesthetician and she gave me this pevonia face mask that I am liking for zits.

    you are a beautiful human.

  3. Nicole/wksocmom

    I’ve got the green stuff too, and major hormonal acne, and I’ll warn you that the green stuff works great on red blotches, but not on the major red zits. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror halfway through the day (after several meetings) and noticed my chin was green, oops.

  4. jenijen

    jenny — bronzer?blush? i don’t own those for they are FAR too complicated for me.

    steph (crockpot lady) – first off, takes one to know one, and second please bring me some to lunch next week – or an order form or something.

    Nicole — your green chin and my green forehead. we can totally do something with that. come to blogher in SF this summer and we’ll do a wondertwins thing. Form of a bruise, Shape of a swamp!

    okay, YES, i’ve had an after dinner drink. shoot me

  5. mamadaisy

    dude, i have no idea what to do with the make up thing. but your hair looks great! i have been stewing over coloring my hair and getting stipey things, but i’m lazy and won’t do the upkeep.

    and it’s totally unfair for us to have gray hair AND zits at the same time. aren’t there supposed to be a few nice years in between when they don’t overlap? sheesh.

  6. furiousball

    whenever your make up doesn’t work, i recommend applying to slices of baloney to your cheeks. everyone will point and laugh at “baloney face lady”, which is fucking awesome. you win.


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