If giving up were an option, you’d find me laying facedown on the ground

Hallway.shadow

Dude.  I had a big long post that just disappeared when Firefox crashed and all that got saved was the title.  How appropriate!

The upshot was this: I don’t get mad easily, but when I do I really, really do.  And, I’m so glad that I went ahead and didn’t wait to calm down before I posted, because even though if I had waited awhile I could have said it in a less name-calling, more intelligent and thoughtful way, it feels REALLY good to go off on the bad guys.  It’s like that feeling you get when Spiderman is kicking some bad guy’s ass on the big screen.  It just would not satisfy if he were all, You know, I’d really like to invite you to think about how your actions are impacting the other beings you share this planet with.  Perhaps you can consider setting aside several moments a day to reflect on how you’d like to be, and then strive to attain that vision.

Yeah.  Totally not working.  Jerks of this magnitude require Serious Ass Kicking.  Just ask Gwendomama.  Plus, even though I was barely able to sputter some well-chosen adjectives, there are beautifully written comments in that post.  So yay for not self-censoring.

Changing gears now.

This morning I took the girls to school 45 minutes late.  Nate hates being late, so he walked and was on time, taking with him a check for hot lunch because I have no cash and I didn’t get it together last night or this morning to make lunches.  The school secretary asked why we were late and I could barely even talk because I was about to cry.  They just couldn’t wake up this morning, I said. And she suggested they go to bed earlier, which made me that much closer to crying because holy shit, I try, you know.  I really, really try.  I don’t know how other people do this.  How do people with kids and full time jobs keep their houses clean and stocked and get their kids places on time?  Why can’t I figure this out?  My house is a full-on disaster and I am behind on every single thing in my life with a due date attached to it.  I am feeling like a complete and total loser, and at the same time, I’m not sure that I could work very much harder than I already do.  I need help, and I’m so drowning in the mess of my life that I don’t even know what to ask for help with.   

Last night I made lasagna for the kids, and then I tried to adapt this lovely, lovely recipe into a gluten and dairy free version.  You have never come across a worse biscuit in your life.  Even the bacon couldn’t save them.  At the end of the night, SG stopped by on his way home to give me a kiss goodnight (on his motorcycle, because I am as lucky in love as I am drowning in everything else) and I stood out in the driveway with him talking for a few minutes.  Nate came out looking for me, because he couldn’t sleep and his head hurt.  He walked over to say hello and check out SG’s bike, and then he went back in the house.  I said goodnight to SG, and went in to find Nate sitting on the couch with his knees drawn up to his chest and his sweatshirt pulled over them.  I’m sorry for interrupting you, he said, grinning at me.  No! I said, I’m glad you came out to say hello.       

We went to the kitchen and he made himself some tea while I got down the tylenol.  I stood there, picking the bacon pieces out of the biscuits that were still sitting on the baking sheet, little orange hockey pucks.  Nate came over and stood at my elbow and picked his own biscuit to break apart.  He took a tiny bite.  These aren’t that bad, Mom, he said.  I looked at him and said, Dude, they are AWFUL.  In fact, I think they should be called shitcuits instead of biscuits, and we both got a really nice case of the giggles and kept saying things to each other like, BACK AWAY FROM THE SHITCUITS!   

I needed those things last night, that unexpected goodnight kiss and that time spent laughing with my kid.  I know things will get better, but damn it’s so hard right now.

9 thoughts on “If giving up were an option, you’d find me laying facedown on the ground

  1. kristi

    You are not alone. Always try to remember that. You are SO not alone! Your sentiments help me feel more “normal”…if there is such a thing :)

    Reply
  2. The Redheaded Lefty

    Sorry, sweetie. You are doing so much—it’s enough that you’re able to stay afloat. Your kids are totally going to pull an Obama on you later down the road, you know. They’ll be all, “My mom loved us enough to make these horrible biscuits that were orange and really hard and gluten-free. They were so bad that she called them shitcuits, and you know what? We laughed. Together.” That’s a lot more than a lot of families can say.

    And I don’t really WANT to sound like a pitbull, but I suggest you take one of those lil’ biscuits and shove it down the throat of the bitch, uhh, school secretary, ummkay?

    Reply
  3. jenijen

    oh — actually she’s really sweet. she was saying it, i think, to try and convince the girls to cooperate and get to bed earlier. she knows my backstory and is really kind. it just hit me the wrong way because i was already to the breaking point. also? PMS. big time

    Reply
  4. mamadaisy

    oy vay. i know exactly how you feel. i have lots of help, and i still have a mountain of laundry staring at me. it’s hard to convince yourself that being up to your eyeballs in everything is ok, but it is. good luck.

    Reply
  5. Kellie

    I keep thinking one day I will catch up with my life, and I work only PT with two young kiddos. But I never do feel “caught up.” Always playing “catch up.” Not an easy place to be. You are definitely not alone. Sometimes there just are not enough hours in the day.

    Reply
  6. Jen

    I hate to say it, but I am always relieved to hear other moms express those sentiments. I look at other moms when I drop my kids off before school, and they actually look put together, and their kids have homemade lunches, and are wearing, you know, socks that match and all (the kids, not the moms). And I wonder, how is it that they are so put together, and I am such a mess?!

    One of these perfect women confided to me that she and her kids eat out almost every night, and she sends them to her moms most weekends, so she can clean her house.

    When it comes down to it, I know I am a good mom, and I’m good at my job. Maybe my house is a mess, and my kids have eaten school lunch all week. But I know they’d much rather read stories with their mom every night, and bake cupcakes on their birthdays, and spend Saturday nights watching movies as a family, than have a clean house and perfect looking mom.

    Jenijen, you are a great mom – you’ve raised great kids, and enjoy their company – and they feel the same about you. That doesn’t make all that is piling up feel any less overwhelming, but at least you know in the long run, you’ve prioritized the right things.

    By the way, I think I can give you a run for your money in the bad biscuits department – while they are supposedly easy, I pretty much without fail mess them up. They are usually more in the realm of hockey pucks than food.

    Reply
  7. Overflowing Brain

    Shitcuits might be the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.

    And I missed most of the prop 8 comments but I am a former Californian and I’m ashamed of my home state. How the hell did you guys do that? I probably shouldn’t admit that I’m from the county of conservatives (Kern! woot) that stopped holding marriages altogether after the court overturned the marriage ban in May, but I am. And I’m embarrassed to call myself a Californian right now.

    I’m more ashamed, as a Christian, that people are using Jesus as an excuse to prohibit marriage. Like 1 Corinthians 6:9 (wherein it says that homosexuals will not inherit the earth). That very verse also says that if you are an adulterer or an alcoholic that you won’t inherit the earth. Should we, therefore, prohibit marriage to everyone who’s ever been unfaithful? Or, gasp, DRUNK?

    Because I think we have a lot of marriages to be reconsidering here. And really, depriving people of rights and declaring their love unworthy is TOTALLY what Jesus would do. Totally.

    Reply
  8. Diana

    Oh my gosh, shitcuits. That is so completely funny. I can completely relate about trying to adapt recipes for gluten-free eating. But listen to yourself, girl. Here you are, dissing yourself as a mom, and you’re going out of your way to adapt a cool recipe to make it gluten-free so everybody can eat all right. You’re right on.

    Reply

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