Wow. Look at her go.

I never wrote about skiing, how very much my kids loved playing in the snow and seeing their aunt and uncle.  And I ought to write about Willow’s birthday celebration yesterday, her grandparents over for dinner and Watch-Me!ing.  Or today, Sophie getting up at church to say Happy Easter and light a candle and the kids running all around looking for eggs and Nathan sharing my coffee with me.   In the afternoon, visiting with a family that I love and overstaying (like we always do) and bringing lemonade with too little sugar and jumping on the trampoline with a passel of kids.

I don’t know how to put this, but I am having a really difficult time.  It’s getting more and more obvious, maybe.  Definitely my family notices.  There’s nothing wrong, but everything is, and instead of having a stupid pop song stuck in my head I’ve got this rotten negative loop of the same tired words over and over. 

The only way I can think to explain it is that I feel wrapped up like a mummy, with my arms tucked in at my sides and unable to move.  And I have this overwhelming need to fling my arms out but I can’t.  That makes much more sense in my head than it does typed.  It makes sense to me, anyway.  I’m also incredibly homesick for Texas, which is pretty normal, but lately anytime I see someone old enough to kinda sorta resemble one of my grandparents, I cry.  Older couples out for a walk hand-in-hand, I cry.  A woman on the radio talking about her childhood in the 1930s, I cry.  It’s tiring to be so sentimental.  Emphasis on the mental.  Just being so self-absorbed and sad is exhausting.  I don’t really like it much.  I like the sort of thinking that makes me want to think more, or that makes me laugh or makes it feel like there are good things or interesting possibilities coming.  The kind of thinking I’ve been channeling lately just leaves me feeling both awful about myself and in need of deep, deep sleep.

I’m looking forward to more light.  Evenings at the beach.   The kids getting into the bath at the end of the day, dirty and happily chattering about their afternoons.  Popsicles.  Early mornings on the couch by the open window, reading before anyone else gets up.  Iced coffee.  Peaches and strawberries and dark plums.  I hope I fucking snap out of this in time to enjoy all the good stuff in front of me.  Now would be just fine.

9 thoughts on “Wow. Look at her go.

  1. mamasutra

    Me. Too. My new phrase is “I’m just. So. Tired.” and not necessarily sleeping tired but tired of everything, sick and tired…tired of not being able to say what the problem is. I’m waiting for summer too, and letting the kids play in the yard on real grass. And then it snowed today. [heavy sigh] Sorry, I doubt this has been very cheering…but I do hear you, very much so.

  2. Marsha

    I do hope you feel better soon. I wish I had some sort of advice to make it all better for you, but I struggle with it all myself. Hugs.

  3. Lin

    Hey kid, you may be going through a spell that isn’t of your making…it may be a very simple chemical imbalance that is keyed to the chronology of your body and very simply sorted out. I hate to think of you like this. I hope it gets sorted out soon because, I know, it’s exhausting. xoxoxo L

  4. Spot Gurl

    I think the best way to descibe it is how Anne Lamott did in “Bird by Bird”. She referred to it as KFKD: a negative radio station that keeps playing in your ear. Hopefully it will go away soon.

  5. Daisy

    Don’t be afraid to seek medical treatment for this. Sometimes it’s as simple as sunlamps for S.A.D., sometimes it’s small doses of meds to correct a chemical imbalance. When you start to feel better, you’ll be happy you sought out the options.

  6. NotCalmDotCom'sMom

    Have been where you are, often, and recently, as you know. Remember, all the women in our family are crazy……………Here’s a quote from Rumi that I have near my computer monitor:

    “Keep knocking and the joy inside will eventually look out to see who is there.” Key words: keep.knocking.

    And, another portion of a quote I found:

    “Winter, then spring. It will happen. It will be more beautiful than you remember.” I think of this metaphorically, as well as physically.

    Hold on til NY next month!


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