All the vampires walkin through the valley, move west down Ventura Boulevard

After the ten years I spent operating with a huge sleep deficit, I never thought that I’d have trouble sleeping when the kids were big enough to mostly not need me in the night.  I was wrong.  More often than not I don’t really get going sleepwise until a couple of hours before I have to get up.  I’m not looking to complain about it, because, honestly, who cares?  I think, though, that weird sleep is the reason I have such funky dreams.  I won’t blog about them, because dream blogging makes peoples’ eyes glaze over, but you should know that I’ve been having some totally bizarre dreams and one of them took place in a German cafe that served coffee in cups that were as big as halved bowling balls.  That was just too awesome to keep to myself.

Yesterday I had an odd task on my to-do list: take a photo of myself in a face mask, smiling.  I learned a few things during this particular photo shoot, and I thought I ought to pass them along so that if you ever find yourself needing to get a face mask self portrait you can benefit from my experience.


  • unless you have recently bleached the everlovin hell out of your teeth, do NOT let them show when you smile
  • the above may not apply if the facemask is blue or green or something other than so-white-it’s-nearly-blue, but do think long and hard before you go there
  • a little visine is handy for not looking jaundiced or stoned
  • I’m not saying you ARE jaundiced or stoned, I’m saying that when contrasted to that blinding white facemask, your eyeballs might need a little halp
  • if you cover your eyebrows with the face mask stuff in an attempt to disguise the fact that they are wildly (and I do mean wildly) unlevel, you will look not like someone who has such bad adult acne it leads to weeknight alcohol consumption frequent facemask applications, but instead exactly like someone from the set of Dawn of the Dead
  • the above realization may cause you cry a little, especially if you have a hard time with horror movies, or if it makes you remember that Sarah Polley was in the most recent DoftheD and she was also in The Sweet Hereafter.  if The Sweet Hereafter doesn’t make you cry, you need to seek therapy
  • you can never go wrong with pigtails, but nine times out of ten it’s best to keep em low
  • take a bajillion photos and do it before the mask hardens. not a one of us needs extra wrinkles, but we all need options
  • stand in front of the mirror, point the camera at the mirror, and then look into the lens
  • think about a funny IM string with Jenny.  be sure not to recall one of the funniest ones, because that will more than likely lead to peed pants and a not-smile on your face.  you want to be about to break into a big smile, not fighting with your own facial muscles
  • if you have never IMd with Jenny, you are missing out and should take care of that straight away
  • keep. your. chin. up.  (even if you’re looking down a little.  yes, you can)
  • that applies to any photograph.  if you don’t ever have to worry about a double chin I don’t want to know you.  nothing personal
  • not looking dead-straight on is probably your best bet.  this is triply true if you’ve got an asymmetrical face like I do
  • keep that stuff off your lips.  it tastes incredibly nasty

Okay.  I am off to make some supper out of yesterday’s organic and local produce delivery.  Then Willow and I will wait for the sun to set so we can go light the sparklers that the big kids’ dad gave to her.  She’s very excited and I’m totally into the photo opp.


later that night. . .



3 thoughts on “All the vampires walkin through the valley, move west down Ventura Boulevard


    Oh, honey! That’s funny! You should totally have more time on your hands so you can do this more often! When you get a little older, I’ll loan you my very dog-eared copy of I Feel Bad About My Neck. Nora (Ephron) doesn’t know it, but she’s my very best friend! See you Sunday! And, I’ll bring new jam………….:) – this one with booze!


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