I’ve got two mandatory links for you. MANDATORY.
If you poke around on her flickr page, you’ll find a great portrait of me. That’s the first (and probably last) time I’ll ever say that, but it IS a great picture. There are some shots from the wedding there, too. The kids jumping is awesome, as are the portraits of Soph and Lex, but this one is my very most favorite. I am going to get that one framed. I just hope that after it’s been hanging on my wall for awhile it will stop making me cry.
I’m a mess. Crying all the time, happy and sad and tired and suffering from really swollen feet. There are lots of changes going on here — I’m commuting to work every day, school has begun, John’s schedule is different. It’s been a bumpy transition. The job part is great — duh, I work at BlogHer — but I am still finding that I feel guilty about working away from home. It’s not an intellectual feeling, so I can’t seem to talk myself out of it. I don’t know. This morning I had to stop for gas on the way to work, and a mom from school pulled up to the pump behind me. She told me that she saw John taking the kids to school this morning and that Willow fell but that she was fine.
I instantly felt guilty. Terrible, horrible, bad and inadequate.
Then when I came home, Willow was in the front yard in her bathing suit, playing in the sprinkler with her umbrella, laughing. Sophie was hopping up and down and the boys were across the street with friends.
Again I felt awful. I was happy to see them having fun, but I suddenly felt like an outsider. Like I wasn’t part of thier world anymore.
Drama. I know that is way dramatic. But after being the one person they’ve been with for the majority of their days (especially Willow), it feels weird to just see them in the mornings and evenings.
I’ll figure this out, I know. I worry that I might be up against a sadness that isn’t necessarily situational, but is just here with me regardless.
My friend Laura called me from the children’s hospital and she was all "WE ARE WAITING FOR WEDDING PHOTOS AND STORIES, JEN." So, Laura, I got more wedding photos up and I owe you a post.