It happened again this morning at 4. I sat up in bed as soon as I heard it; a rapid fire sort of mini honking – maybe even cheerful ::honkhonkhonkhonkhonkhonk:: followed by the atrocious honking car alarm. I got out of bed, cursing, and went to the bulletin board by the front door to grab my keys off the hook. They weren't there so I felt around in the dark for my purse ::HONKHONKHONKHONKHONK:: By the time I put my fingers on my keys, the alarm had stopped, so I got back in bed, back in my bed between the girls, and tried to sleep even though I knew that soon enough the alarm would go off again.
This happened at the crack of crack a week or so ago, too. My house is not like most; the front door doesn't face the street, it faces the house next door to us. To get to my driveway, I have to take a left out the door, head down the walkway, take another left and go through a gate to even really see my van. Last time it happened, I went outside to the driveway, pushing the unlock button on the remote thing the whole way. It was so loud, and as I turned the corner and saw my driveway, I saw that my van was all flashing and alive looking. The alarm finally stopped, I made sure it was unlocked and went back inside. I don't want to drag this story out, so I'll just say that I ended up going back out three or four more times. The last time, though, it was my neighbor's car that was going off. I walked back to my house, saw the front door I'd left openand wondered if someone was out there setting the alarms off on purpose. You know, to lure people out of their houses so they could sneak in.
It was a little scary. And, actually, a pretty stupid idea. But I was half asleep and it seemed reasonable at the time.
This morning, after I got back in bed and just as I was starting to have those disjointed thoughts that pop up before you fall asleep but when you're still lucid enough to realize that you are about to fall asleep, but then, if you think about it for a beat too long, totally awake again, the honking started. Again. This time I grabbed my robe and pulled it on as I went down the hall. Like Miss Clavel – I ran fast and faster, got the keys and opened my front door to the rain.
I was more cautious this time. I shut the door behind me, and walked out into the cold rain. This time it was the neighbor's car, not mine. It went off a couple more times, but I stayed in bed and eventually fell back to sleep.
Did I have a point? I guess not. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. There's a lot of room for improvement in my life right now. Especially tonight. Instead of sleeping, I'm beating myself up and doing a really good job of it. Thinking things like, All my life I've been fighting with this stupid low self esteem and when I finally, finally believe that I'm good enough, I'm hit with the fact that I am not. It was stupid of me to think I was. I know better.
I didn't write that looking for a pat on the head. I wrote it because I knew that writing it would make me read it and think, Whatever, drama queen. Get over yourself. I mean, when I'm thinking thoughts like that they have such power over me, but all typed out you can see how thin and weak that kind of thinking is. Taking it out of my brain sucks the life out of it. Mostly, anyway. Nothing is really better, and I'm truly worried about some things that are scaring me very badly. Real things, not some fictional masked car alarm setter offer. But I feel better anyway. Maybe I can sleep now. It also would do me good to get back on the Grace In Small Things bandwagon.
1.pretty cupcakes, even if I can only appreciate and not eat them
2.the best sister-in-law ever
4.kid art. that one is an old favorite
and 5.my hair has grown a little and I don't suffer from full body cringe (as much) whenever I have to leave the house