Originally uploaded by jenijen
It felt so great to get out last night that I made sure we did it again tonight. Willow wanted to ride in the wagon and we ended up walking over to the park around the corner. There were lots of kids and dogs there, and a really friendly woman who wanted to chat but I hung back since I had beer breath and figured she’d disapprove. I could hear her talking from across the park (it’s small) about how JK Rowling had inspired the current crop of kids to read just like the Nancy Drew books had when she was a kid. I dunno — I think that’s probably wishful remembering, but I didn’t hear the entire conversation.
Willow ran up and down all the things she could. She went down the slide head first, took a few spins in the baby swings, and ran in circles on the grass. The sun was going down, and when she was in the right place, she looked like she’d been dipped in gold.
I’m in a lot of inbetween spaces right now. I’m just about to dive into a really different life, which I appreciate, because in so many ways it will be better. But of course, as with any change, I think, there’s the part of me that is sad. My days as a stay at home (and/or work from home) mom to little kids are all but over. It isn’t just that I’ll be in an office five days a week, it’s that I no longer have the little kids to stay home with. They’re big, they go to school, they don’t need so much from me. They want as much love and attention as ever, but they can fix their own snacks and play their own games. It’s okay if I go do my own thing.
I realize how blessed I am to have had this time with them. Yet, what do I do? I tell myself that I didn’t play with them enough. Didn’t give them enough idyllic memories to hold onto as they grow up. Didn’t make enough time for them. Didn’t didn’t didn’t. What will they remember from this time? I’m glad I make kick-ass chocolate chip cookies — that ought to go a long way.
It’s so not over yet. There’s quite a lot of time for creating memories to add to the good ones you’ve already made. Lovely photo of Willow…
just found your site for the first time tonight. what great photos you take!
I think as moms we will always doubt ourselves and how well we did, how much time we spent. I know I alway do…
oh, mama, this just makes me love you all the more. hugs to you on the next leg of your journey. and what beautiful pictures. i hope someday i find a way to meet you in person.
Change always feels hard but necessary, too. Good luck with the transition to what I’m guessing is full-time, out-of-the-home work? Sounds exciting!
the photo of your daughter is FANTASTIC. motion and light and stillness all together.