cry baby

I’ve got two mandatory links for you.  MANDATORY.

she saw things (the portfolio & blog of my new heroine, Jen, who photographed my brother’s wedding)
and the flickr site to go with.

If you poke around on her flickr page, you’ll find a great portrait of me.  That’s the first (and probably last) time I’ll ever say that, but it IS a great picture.  There are some shots from the wedding there, too.  The kids jumping is awesome, as are the portraits of Soph and Lex, but this one is my very most favorite.  I am going to get that one framed.  I just hope that after it’s been hanging on my wall for awhile it will stop making me cry.

I’m a mess.  Crying all the time, happy and sad and tired and suffering from really swollen feet.  There are lots of changes going on here — I’m commuting to work every day, school has begun, John’s schedule is different.  It’s been a bumpy transition.  The job part is great — duh, I work at BlogHer — but I am still finding that I feel guilty about working away from home.  It’s not an intellectual feeling, so I can’t seem to talk myself out of it.  I don’t know.  This morning I had to stop for gas on the way to work, and a mom from school pulled up to the pump behind me.  She told me that she saw John taking the kids to school this morning and that Willow fell but that she was fine. 

I instantly felt guilty.  Terrible, horrible, bad and inadequate. 

Then when I came home, Willow was in the front yard in her bathing suit, playing in the sprinkler with her umbrella, laughing.  Sophie was hopping up and down and the boys were across the street with friends.

Again I felt awful.  I was happy to see them having fun, but I suddenly felt like an outsider.  Like I wasn’t part of thier world anymore.

Drama.  I know that is way dramatic.  But after being the one person they’ve been with for the majority of their days (especially Willow), it feels weird to just see them in the mornings and evenings. 

I’ll figure this out, I know.  I worry that I might be up against a sadness that isn’t necessarily situational, but is just here with me regardless.   

My friend Laura called me from the children’s hospital and she was all "WE ARE WAITING FOR WEDDING PHOTOS AND STORIES, JEN."  So, Laura, I got more wedding photos up and I owe you a post.

6 thoughts on “cry baby

  1. Loralee

    It’s the perpetual quandary. You’re at home and part of you longs for the professional world. You’re at work and you yearn to be home with your kiddies.

    Pretty delicate balance that just sucks sometimes. Hoping it gets better for you…

    (Off to look at the mandatory this n’ that…)

  2. Jenny D

    Awwww, thanks Jen!!!!!
    Girl. your kids (and you) are so adorable that I couldn’t help but make awesome photos of them! As soon as I saw them, I knew.

    I’m sure this is a hard transition for you. I long for a part-time job away from home, but going full-time suddenly would be quite a shock to the system. My trip down to CA for the wedding was my first time away from Z & S, and I feel a little excluded since being home.
    Anyhooo, I totally get it. Its a big change, and it will take some time to get used to it. In the mean time, think of the positives as often as possible. :o)
    xo, jen

  3. Marsha

    The mamma bear in you is having a bit of trouble letting go. Give them extra hugs, and I hope your adjustment gets better soon. I so loved all the pictures.

  4. mamasutra

    This week marked the start of my new part time teaching job. It’s the first time that my little one will not be home with me or daddy every day; she’s 21 months old now, so we’re pretty happy that she had that (our big girl had a three month stint with grandma when I was back at work between babies). But, still. Hard. Not much else I can say about it.

    Those photos are incredibly amazing. What a fantastic record of that day, your kids at that age, and a picture of yourself that you like, too!


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