Ever since the Sugar Babies at Halloween, I’ve been really into the holidays this year. Like, fifteen pounds into it. Roughly. You know, give or take. However much it is, it is 80% in my butt, so I’ve been calling it (previously ONLY to myself) my Christmas Booty. As in, Damn, I sat here waiting for those jeans to get out of the dryer so I could get dressed and go to that party, but ACK! Christmas Booty! They will not button. Why the hell did I give away all my larger jeans?
This morning I was in the shower, and I thought that I’d better shave my legs. I have a shower stall, not a tub, which means that if I want to shave my legs, I have to prop one foot up on the wall and balance on the other. In order to keep the water from spraying into my face and onto my legs and washing off the soap before I am ready to rinse, I put my backside to the water and face the back of the shower stall. So this morning, I finish a row or strip or whatever you call it, and I go to rinse the razor in the stream of water behind me. Only, instead of just rinsing the razor, my arm, which is not yet used to the dimensions of the Christmas Booty, didn’t extend out and away from my body enough. I felt a scratch. Then a sting. I stood there, with one foot up on the wall, shaking my head at my own self, thinking, Really, Jen? Really? Did you really just CUT the Christmas Booty? While shaving your LEGS?
I looked down and didn’t see anything and thought for a second that I was okay. But, then little droplets of blood appeared in a two and three-quarter inch (again, roughly) line right across the back of the Christmas Booty.
After my shower, I put on a couple of Hello Kitty bandaids, because I figured the CB would like the cute factor. Today I will wear a skirt instead of my too-tight pants, and I will eat all the rest of the peanut butter fudge** so that I can stop eating it. (That is Holiday Logic. Don’t look at me like you don’t know what I mean.)
** Um. I just googled the peanut butter fudge and turns out it’s got like 375 calories PER PIECE. If I do the math I will faint, so I’m going to just, as Willow says, EX that window.
I am very familiar with that logic. And I cut myself shaving all the time, except I haven’t cut the booty yet, knock on wood.
Dangit! That’s why I don’t shave in the winter, or something.
Peanut butter fudge? You are holding out on me!
It takes special very goober skills to cut your own butt while shaving your legs! Happy New Year xo
I don’t think you’ll have the same problem that I did, though. Happy New Year xo
It’s still here. PLEASE COME GET SOME. QUICK!
And here I thought I was the only one with Christmas Booty.
Except mine is circa 2008, so it’s got a little vintage pop and jiggle to it.
(Congrats on your new dot.com.not.calm!)
You’re not alone! I also have Christmas Belly and Christmas Boobs, which has led to New Year’s Nothing Really Fits Anymore.
Oh well, Happy New Year! xo
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