Double flat capp

I worked in a coffee shop as a barrista, among other things, from about 1989 to 1992 or 3 ish. Ever since the $tarbuk’s craze, I have suffered in hugely irritated silence about what people call espresso drinks. When I was a tech writing major (I know!! Who’d ever suspect?) at SF State, I wrote a manual on how to make a cappuccino. I got an A, even. I just want to put this out there for those who are confused:

the drinks go like this:
ESPRESSO — is just that, no nothin in it or on it Maybe some lemon zest Sugar if you feel you must.
AMERICANA — espresso with a touch of hot water
MACCIATO — espresso with a tablespoon of steamed milk
CAPPUCCINO — espresso with frothy steamed milk (not just the top layer, which is mostly air, but the creamy part, too) and about a tablespoon of hot milk It can be a single (in an 8 oz cup, one shot espresso) or a double (in a 12 oz cup with two shots)
BORGIA — a cappuccino with a shot of hot chocolate instead of hot milk and garnished with orange zest and freshly grated nutmeg
LATTE — mostly steamed milk, with espresso poured in, topped with foamy milk It also comes in single (12 oz) or double (16 oz)
MOCHA — is a latte made with steamed chocolate milk, topped with whipped cream or steamed milk

This is the important part: THERE IS NO GRANDE OR SHORT OR TALL ANYTHING. EVER. You want a 12 oz cup with two shots of espresso and lots of hot milk, topped with a little steamed milk? Order a double flat cappuccino! You want a 16 oz cup with three espresso shots and hot chocolate? Order a triple mocha! NOT TALL or GRANDE. And, a double, decaf, nonfat latte? Double dud.

Behind the counter we called chai (hey! chai means tea, so don’t say chai tea!) “Hippy Juice.” But only if the manager wasn’t listening.

There is no X in eSpresso. And don’t even get me started on frappucinomociotto-related offences.

I’ve been hitting the iced coffee lately because it’s hot here. I don’t put sugar in my coffee unless it’s iced. Then I put lots, so that the ice cubes left at the end are all coated in that good, coarse, organic evaporated cane sugar and when you tilt the cup back you get a silt-like sludge of coffee flavored sugar that will remind you of sitting at your grandmother’s kitchen table when you were little, dragging your spoon across the bottom of your cereal bowl to dredge up the extra sugar she sprinkled on your rice crispies. Yum.

1 thought on “Double flat capp

  1. snakehairedgirl

    This a great and informative post. Thank you for enlightening me.

    I can’t find your email addy on here–please send it to me because I have info on a place where you could probably submit this entry as an article and get paid for being so funny and smart!! And that would be truly cool : )


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