Dude. I had a big long post that just disappeared when Firefox crashed and all that got saved was the title. How appropriate!
The upshot was this: I don’t get mad easily, but when I do I really, really do. And, I’m so glad that I went ahead and didn’t wait to calm down before I posted, because even though if I had waited awhile I could have said it in a less name-calling, more intelligent and thoughtful way, it feels REALLY good to go off on the bad guys. It’s like that feeling you get when Spiderman is kicking some bad guy’s ass on the big screen. It just would not satisfy if he were all, You know, I’d really like to invite you to think about how your actions are impacting the other beings you share this planet with. Perhaps you can consider setting aside several moments a day to reflect on how you’d like to be, and then strive to attain that vision.
Yeah. Totally not working. Jerks of this magnitude require Serious Ass Kicking. Just ask Gwendomama. Plus, even though I was barely able to sputter some well-chosen adjectives, there are beautifully written comments in that post. So yay for not self-censoring.
Changing gears now.
This morning I took the girls to school 45 minutes late. Nate hates being late, so he walked and was on time, taking with him a check for hot lunch because I have no cash and I didn’t get it together last night or this morning to make lunches. The school secretary asked why we were late and I could barely even talk because I was about to cry. They just couldn’t wake up this morning, I said. And she suggested they go to bed earlier, which made me that much closer to crying because holy shit, I try, you know. I really, really try. I don’t know how other people do this. How do people with kids and full time jobs keep their houses clean and stocked and get their kids places on time? Why can’t I figure this out? My house is a full-on disaster and I am behind on every single thing in my life with a due date attached to it. I am feeling like a complete and total loser, and at the same time, I’m not sure that I could work very much harder than I already do. I need help, and I’m so drowning in the mess of my life that I don’t even know what to ask for help with.
Last night I made lasagna for the kids, and then I tried to adapt this lovely, lovely recipe into a gluten and dairy free version. You have never come across a worse biscuit in your life. Even the bacon couldn’t save them. At the end of the night, SG stopped by on his way home to give me a kiss goodnight (on his motorcycle, because I am as lucky in love as I am drowning in everything else) and I stood out in the driveway with him talking for a few minutes. Nate came out looking for me, because he couldn’t sleep and his head hurt. He walked over to say hello and check out SG’s bike, and then he went back in the house. I said goodnight to SG, and went in to find Nate sitting on the couch with his knees drawn up to his chest and his sweatshirt pulled over them. I’m sorry for interrupting you, he said, grinning at me. No! I said, I’m glad you came out to say hello.
We went to the kitchen and he made himself some tea while I got down the tylenol. I stood there, picking the bacon pieces out of the biscuits that were still sitting on the baking sheet, little orange hockey pucks. Nate came over and stood at my elbow and picked his own biscuit to break apart. He took a tiny bite. These aren’t that bad, Mom, he said. I looked at him and said, Dude, they are AWFUL. In fact, I think they should be called shitcuits instead of biscuits, and we both got a really nice case of the giggles and kept saying things to each other like, BACK AWAY FROM THE SHITCUITS!
I needed those things last night, that unexpected goodnight kiss and that time spent laughing with my kid. I know things will get better, but damn it’s so hard right now.