Oh well, whatever, never mind

I need to vent complain.  I know how tiresome that is, so I’ll ditch it under the jump.

I’m not a happy camper. 

It’s all mostly stupid stuff that’s getting to me, but there’s so much of it that I feel like I’m covered in really thick mud, both physically and mentally.  I can’t think clearly because I have so much on my mind, and I can’t get things done because I’m practically paralyzed by all the things I feel like I need to do. 

What I want to do is sit in the corner with headphones on and tune everyone out like a sullen teenager. 

I think that most of my problems would be solved if I could just get my house clean and organized.  I have these visions of rooms that smell nice and aren’t so FULL of crap everywhere. 

My grand master plan is to get all the kids a twin bed and giant toy box each, and then whatever toys fit in the toybox (at the foot of their bed) are the toys in their rooms.  Period.  They don’t have to get rid of anything; they can store the overflow in the garage in big bins and switch it out whenever. 

I imagine cleaning their rooms only taking ten or fifteen minutes (by them) and I see my life improving. 

I want to gradually rid the living room of all toys, and that makes me feel better, too.

See?  Kinda stupid stuff, but for me it’s a huge quality of life issue.  I’m here ALL the time, and if my surroundings were nicer, I wouldn’t be such a raving angry mother so often. 

Healthwise things are not too great, either.  When I was hospitalized with the mystery heart issues last month, one of the doctors told me that I might have Lupus. 

I haven’t been diagnosed with anything, yet.  I already have one autoimmune disorder, and it can be one part of lupus.  Lately I’m feeling like I have arthritis in my neck (almost 24/7 pain.  maybe that’s why I’m depressed?) and my right hand.  My joints ache, right now it’s my left shoulder.  Something is wrong, I know that much.  I’m hoping that I don’t have lupus, for obvious reasons.  Not knowing what’s wrong is also pretty crappy. 

Now that I’m working from home, my computer is flirting with crapping out on me, and I don’t have good enough credit or enough in savings to get a laptop.  I’m working on saving for one, and it’ll happen.  I know that will improve things, too.

Right now, there’s a pretty sunset out my bedroom window if I turn far enough to see it, and I’ve got supper in the oven.  It smells really good, and it’s something the kids like.  I’m listening to Pandora.   I’ll get things how they need to be.  I just wish I could make it happen faster.

I sincerely hope that no one has read all this.  I feel a little better typing it out.  Sometimes I just need to step back and get perspective to see that my problems are not really all that large. 

22 thoughts on “Oh well, whatever, never mind

  1. tomconrad

    Hi Jenijen,

    Well you said you hoped that no one would have to read this, but I did so I thought I’d drop you a note. I’m the CTO over at Pandora and I’ll tell you hearing our name dropped in this kind of story is exactly why we created Pandora. Any time we sit on a list that includes a beautiful sunset and a home cooked meal I’m pretty happy. I’m glad you’re listening and I hope we’re helping brighten your day. Good luck with your health and your quest for fewer toys in the living room.


    CTO @ Pandora

  2. Suebob

    Well, that was certainly lovely of Tom Conrad. So personal, so non-spammy. How cool is that?

    You can vent anytime, Jen, and you will always be one of the people I want to read IMMEDIATELY because I don’t want to miss what you have to say.

    I hope it isn’t lupus, either, and I understand about the arthritis pain – being in pain constantly can certainly make one’s outlook bleak.

    I know that Buddha’s first noble truth is “All life is suffering,” but I wish it weren’t quite SO much suffering, ya know?

  3. mamadaisy

    Your desire to not complain is valiant and admirable, but you certainly have cause to vent. Being trapped at home with massive clutter can drive a girl to drink, even without the constant pain and threat of lupus.

    I hope things hurry up and get better for you soon.

  4. Tracy

    I have the same issues here with the whole clutter thing… it can really drag you down.. I like the idea of the one toybox…I might steal it 🙂

    So I am checking out Pandora right now… I had never heard of it… pretty cool…thanks for mentioning 🙂

    I hope everything turns out okay as far as your health. Sending you good thoughts and vibes… Take care 🙂

  5. FishyGirl

    I read the whole thing, too. We all need to vent like this sometime. Glad you at least got the sunset and dinner and Pandora.

    I hear ya on the clutter issue; my major problem is that on top of their clutter there is MY clutter, and I feel like I spend so much time as a raving lunatic about theirs that I have no time/energy left to tackle mine and get it the heck out of here – maybe then we can think about buying the bigger house we need, so we can clutter that up, too.

  6. Marsha

    I hear you with the clutter thing too. It feels like if only I worked just a little bit harder life would be so much easier. Yet, when I do work really hard to get rid of the clutter, I have to neglect a bunch of other things, which then pile up. Then I have to spend so much time catching back up on the other things that the clutter builds back up. The never ending story. I think the answer is HELP and lots of it.

    I hope against hope that you do not have lupus or anything else terribly wrong. I send prayers, wishes, vibes that you feel better soon.

  7. rachel

    I have chronic pain myself, and while I wouldn’t say I’m officially depressed, I definately have a bunch of blue days.

    I have arthritis in my neck & back, and a big dose of ibuprophen 3x/day helps a lot. But I took (at my dr’s suggestion) 1500mg of Glucosamine/Chondritin for a while, and it made the arthritis almost completely gone.

    I still have fibromyalgia, so random severe muscle pains, but at least my arthritis is better.

    I hope whatever you end up with as a dx that they can help you and you can feel better soonest. Pain sucks, and makes everything else so much harder.

  8. dorothy

    I have chronic back pain, and let me tell you, being in pain all the time is enough to make you feel like holy hell. And, feeling like everything you own is overflowing or crappy will do that, too. I hacked my privacy bushes to shreds a few weeks ago over the same feelings. Hang in there.

  9. Jenny

    My house looks like ToysRUs exploded all over the place, and I have a major level of pissy about it. We need to organize a rotating work crew to go from house to house and make the clutter go away.

    I hope ‘they’ get answers for you, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you can find some relief.

  10. Erin

    I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well. Chronic pain sucks and clutter always makes me pissy. I’m on a big clutter kick here, too, but I also have little motivation to deal with all of it. I feel for you.

  11. chris

    Mess and clutter get me all sorts of cranky and I don’t even have pain issues. My kids have a majority of their toys i bins in the attic and I rotate them out. Though I have discovered that they aren’t even interested in most of them and that was why theywere strewn all over the floor to begin with.

    Hope you are feeling better soon.

  12. Jill

    You certainly have a LOT on your plate….

    Let me recomment 1-800-Got_junk. Not sure where you are located, but they will come in and help you clear out all your clutter and bring it right to the dump. You may also want to try and find a professional organzer who will come in and help you organize. Just did that a couple of months ago, and IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

    Sorry to hear about Lupus and chronic pain SUCKS!

    Try and take yourself…..

  13. Caloden

    Chronic pain combined with the clutter of children is enough to send any of us over the edge. You had the class to stow it under the jump, most of us just lay it all out on the line for anybody to stumble upon.

    Humor aside, I’m sorry to hear about your pain. Yuck. I am trying to reorganize my life to avoid the migraines that often stalk me. It’s all a preventative thing in that area. I hope you get a diagnosis and that it is a manageable thing. I’ll be thinking about you.

  14. M. Kennedy

    Toys into the garage, SHAZAM! We did the same thing and it not only makes you feel better, your kids will discover and play with toys they’d totally forgotten about.

    I hope your neck gets better, sometimes the fall weather just brings out the creakiness.

  15. squid

    I wish you lived next door. Then I would take all your kids as they are excellent company and would send you off for a break. Or we could have all the kids together at once and ignore them over tea while lounging.

    Wish there was some way to ease your stress. Your ideas about the kids’ rooms and toys are excellent.

  16. marian

    Oh I so understand how the neverending mess can make you feel like you want to disappear. Now that the nest is empty there are spots in the house that I’m cleaning for the first time in 10 years because frankly, I gave up 10 years ago! It feels great. You just have to live that long….

    Anyway. Hope it’s not lupus, but if it is, we’ll all be here rooting for you and I think that as the kids get older and life gets a little easier, your symptoms will lighten up as well.

    Wishing you a few pain-free days and sending you hugs, but gentle ones that won’t hurt your neck.

  17. elayne

    “huge quality of life issue. I’m here ALL the time, and if my surroundings were nicer, [I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed and cranky right now]” – Hey Jen, get out of my brain. That’s MY line, right there! And although I’ll gladly share anything pleasant with you, I don’t want to share my Yucks with you. That goes for the chronic pain, too.

    (((hugs))) Hope you feel better. Sorry I’m such a suckhead about replying to email. Love you.


  18. Mary Tsao

    I really hope it’s not lupus. I did meet a woman tonight who cured her own lupus by changing her diet. I don’t know what she did exactly, but I’ll find out the name of her blog and forward it to you.

    But hopefully you’ll never have to go there.

    I keep all toys out of the living room and the ones in the family room are in baskets. Otherwise, I go insane. Toys everywhere can do that to a person.

  19. Heather

    I read this to my husband and he said, “Yep, that sounds familiar.”

    You put into words the less-articulate rants I’ve been having for…well, for about seven years (my eldest is 7 1/2).

    I know the feeling of just wanting to retreat like a sullen teenager. Actually, I DO retreat like one sometimes. Actually, I do it often enough that my kids say to one another, “Don’t bug Mama right now, she’ll yell at you.” That’s when they don’t treat me like a cat treats a newspaper that someone is looking at: the best place to be right now.

    Unfortunately, our garage is already full of other stuff. Sigh.

    Good luck on the health issues.


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